Saturday, January 10, 2009

How do you give the middle finger in Boston?

Q: How do you give the middle finger in Boston?

A: You smile and wave :)

Explanation

Given that the default setting around here is the middle finger and a scowl the only way to insult someone is to either A. Smile, B. Wave, or if you really want to get them you C. Smile and wave. This really drives people crazy and will bring them to an overwhelming state of anger and frustration. This is best used when trying to cross the street, waiting tables, or walking by your neighbours. Given that my neighbour has never once even acknowledged my presence I don't use it often but since they may someday scowl or give me the finger I keep it handy.

Today I was trying to cross Columbia Road with my big-ass bag of laundry. Finally, I saw my opportunity to cross so I went for it, as usual with crossing this street I am risking my life because it is frequented by large amounts of angry hurried Massholes. So, I am trying to cross the street when a massive SUV with 2 crazed Latin women comes flying in off of Dorchester Ave. I tried to move faster but it wasn't fast enough for them. They started screaming at me in Spanish and giving me the finger. I stopped in front of their vehicle and gave them a genuine smile and wave. This really got them angry. They then whipped past me and I continued to smile and wave. They then stopped in the middle of Columbia road and continued to yell at me while I continued to, you guessed it, smile and wave. ahhh. Now if they were really in such a hurry why would they have time to stop?

Its so gratifying being so happy and friendly and it seriously pisses people off. Angry upset people hate happiness and happy people. That's why in the restaurant business they say "Kill them with a smile" Gets them every time. They also say that if a table is being an asshole and he's happens to be bald stare at his baldness. This fucks with them too, but I guess this is for some other blog, some other time, somewhere else. Hopefully somewhere warmer.

4 comments:

Laura said...

dude. I have been 'SMILING AND WAVING' since 1970. nothing pisses a bitch off more. LOVE THAT!

:D

Fred said...

blowing a kiss is always fun, too

eeka said...

You "saw an opportunity to cross and went for it?" Now, I don't condone their rude behavior, but how about if you start crossing at crosswalks and waiting until you have the walk signal? I wouldn't have been rude like they were, but I'd have rolled down the window and explained to you how crossing the street works.

Traffic laws: they're not just for cars.

Bryan Mcpherson said...

Thanks EEka. I had no idea. Thanks for sharing your wisdom with me. I WAS crossing at a crosswalk. Next time you come to Dorchester I strongly encourage you to roll down your windows and explain the laws to people. I imagine they will really appreciate the opportunity to test out their new guns. Also, don't eat yellow snow.